Comments In RED

What a disaster. Here is the 2 week account, please enjoy:

1.10.08 - Day 1

My best friend just sent me the top 10 places to meet guys today. They are as follows, with my thoughts on why they aren’t in red:

1. Hardware Store - Yea, I live in New York, so I don’t talk to random people in stores.
2. Driving Range - I could play the NY card again, but instead I will play the..um…yea…Golf card.
3. Jury Duty - I’ll let this one slide, I’ve never been on a jury, so I guess there could be potential. Though resting on the State of New York for dates is scary. Our governor even had to pay for them.
4. Improv Class - which would require that I attend an improv class…um, pass.
5. Flat Screen TV Store - is this really the kind of girl I want to be?
6. Craps Table - I have spent a lot of too much time at craps tables. Every time I have been dressed in “Vegas” attire, drunk and RECKLESSLY spending money. Perfect. Wife. Material.
7. DMV - NY - no car.
8. Sporting Arena - This is a good one, although, the likelihood of meeting a Yankess fan is pretty high up here, and that is something of a deal breaker for me.
9. Musical Instrument Store - yawn.
10. Frequent Flyer Lounge - All fun and games…until they kick me out for sneaking into the frequent flyer lounge.

So what is a bored, single, 28 year old girl to do? And what would ultimately kill the most time at work today? The Eharmony personality quiz!! And so it begins…

The personality profile quiz: Dear god, this thing is long. And, I am feeling very aware of my own prejudices and ego…yuck. This is why I don’t have a shrink — self-analysis sucks. At least I’m starting this with a good, healthy attitude.

$60 bucks!! That’s ridiculous — ohhhh but you get a free subscription to Bon Appetit!!

OK - let’s see my matches!

One of them is named Jesse - they should really put a filter on this type of thing (my name is Jessica). Upon first glance of several of the matches, I am now refining my ethnic preferences. Screw political correctness, I need to be able to pronounce my boyfriend’s name.

One hour in - I’m over my matches…I want more.

1.12.08 - Day #3

I got ANOTHER match named Jesse. Still haven’t talked to anyone. I did learn how to close matches though, that’s a helpful tool!

1.13.08 - Day #4

Match of the Day: Jersey Jon -

Close match.
Needless to say…I am still not communicating with anyone.

1.14.08 - Day #5

Public Disclaimer of the Day: If you do not put up pictures, I will not talk to you. It’s catalog dating, get with the program.

1.15.08 - Day #6

I am now closing, um…undesirable matches, who try to communicate with me, by saying “I’m pursuing another relationship.” Bless their incompatible little hearts.

1.18.08 - Day #9

I am over Eharmony and kind of want my money back. That said, Match.com is now intriguing. I try and set up a Match account and I am DENIED!! WTF? I am getting the following error when I try and publish my profile (see my comments in red):

Unfortunately, we are unable to approve it at this time. Please submit another profile or alter the text you previously sent by following these steps:

Profile Guidelines:

> All information provided must be accurate and current - I can assure them that it is. And even so, how would they really know?

> Must be in English - This would be Match.com overestimating my retention of High School Spanish.

> You must be single or separated from your spouse - Single? - check. Even after a whole week on Eharmony - if you can believe it.

> Do not include detailed personal information (ie: your last name, street address, contact information, date of birth, etc.) to help protect your online anonymity - fine, then I will use my mother’s maiden name and the last four digits of my social for my screenname. Is that ok?

> Do not include any language which could be considered defamatory or offensive in any way (ie: sexually explicit, promotes racism, references to inflicting bodily harm to yourself or others, etc.) - upon initial review of my profile, I did find the word ASS, which I have now removed. Still no approval. Could my refined ethnic preferences be misconstrued as promoting racism?

> No solicitation/website addresses - I can assure you the only thing I am advertising is myself. Wow, how incredibly depressing…

> You must be at least 18 years old - depressing and old…thanks for the reminder Match.

Now, these are not the responses I sent back to the folks at Match.com, but I did reach out for help. Winking will get me nowhere if they won’t approve this damn profile. My pictures, on the other hand, did get approved. That is, once I removed the one of me buying drugs in my underwear…I kid, I kid

1.19.08 - Day #10

Still no word back from Match. Still a lot of douchebaggery on Eharmony.

1.21.08 - Day #12

On Eharmony: 3 different men with children contacted me today. Note to self: must change that preference. After the NFL playoffs all day yesterday, I am way to hungover to think about being a stepmother.

Still no word from Match. I’m beginning to get depressed about being rejected from a dating website. That and their banner ads are taunting me “find a reason to stay in bed all day” - Hey Match, I’m way ahead of you - I found lots of reasons to stay in bed all day today. Their names were Jack, Jose and Sam Adams. So there.

1.22.08 - Day #13

I have now filed an official tech support request with Match. Stay Tuned…

1.23.08 - Day #14

Match of the Day: A lesson in poor profile photo selection.

This is the ONLY photo on his profile. Close match.

Today was the first day that I actually communicated back to someone on Eharmony. I answered his multiple choice questions, so we’ll see what comes back. He asked some good ones, about travel and what activity makes for a good date. Maybe there is potential there, but I think he looks a little too much like Donny Osmond.

In case you were wondering, here are my stats thus far:

Eharmony:
14 Days
13 Matches in my Inbox
1 in Communication - Donny Osmond, I’m waiting for his answers
86 Closed Matches
0 Dates

Match.com:
6 Days
Profile Still Unapproved
0 Communications back from their Customer Support
0 Dates

1.24.08 - Day #15

Donny Osmond sent back a questionnaire that requires me to fill out long, paragraph style answers to questions like “What is one of the most influential experiences of your life and why?” Close Match.

Match of the Day: Dustin - a 27 year old Photographer - who posted no photo. Close match.

Match of the Day II:
Occupation: Vice President of a Horse Racing Outfit
“Horse Racing Outfit” + 20 mile vicinity of NYC = MAFIA
And, I shit you not, the “most influential person” in his life - his boss!

You can’t make this stuff up. Close match.

1.25.08 - Day 16

Today I feel like writing Dr. Warren and asking if they can add “Write Your Own Reason” to the Close Match functionality. If they had it, today’s reasons would have included the following:

- I Hate Spanish Crime Novels
- Hair Gel
- For using your building ID photo as your profile picture
- Dear Jesse: It’s never going to work out. Sincerely, Jessie
- You, admittedly, say that your friends tell you that you are “good on paper.” Sweetie, that’s the boy equivalent of “having a great personality”

126 Closed Matches. And I’m over it. I closed my profile - I couldn’t even make it through the month.

For the record - I am now posting this story to my blog on March 26th - a full 7 weeks after all of this. To date, I have STILL received no word back from Match.com and both sites continue to berate my inbox with spam. Word to the wise, stay as far away from online dating as you can.